We’re here at the gruesome scene of the violence quickly becoming known as the “Christmas War.” Let’s interview Elf. I’m getting reports that he caused this brutal massacre. Let’s find out.

Elf, is this true?

“It’s all Santa’s fault. I didn’t lose my arm in this war. Ya know how I lost it? In Santa’s sweat shop of a toy making factory. You should see it. I lost my arm making those toys but I never left afraid of what Santa might do to me. He’s not the jolly soul you all know and love.”

Has he done anything else?

“He makes us bake for him all the time, too. We’re working as hard as we can and he comes in yelling at me that I didn’t fill his pie and I tell him, ‘I filled ‘em like you told me. How many times I gotta fill ‘em?”

Have you ever tried talking to him about all of this?

“No. What’ll we’ll say to ‘em?”

Santa, is this true? Are you really running a sweat shop for these poor elves?

“These are nothing but lies and quite frankly, I’m disgusted with Elf that he would make such things up. I’m Santa Claus for crying out loud! And as far as the baking goes, apricot is tricky.”

So you’re denying the allegations?

“Fully!”

Let’s go to another witness, 2-Leg Lamb, and see what he thinks.

Lamb, in your words, describe the horror you witnessed here today.

“Horror? It was awesome! See, Bear sided with Elf and I knew that little bastard was lying so I ripped his head off! I got him right here around my neck as a charm. What now bitch?!”

Oh my, thank you for that Lamb, *cough*

Oh my, there’s Bear’s head.

And while this waging war ensued, Baby Jesus was stolen right from his hay bed! What has this world come to?!

Let us all have a moment of silence for those who parished and lost their limbs on this terrible day of Christmas War.

-by Anjelica Castro & Derek McKinley

as as result of boredom and Chirstmas Light Hanging Disorder =)